I am the women in the hat!


Hey stranger,

Life has been explainable lately ever since I found myself, I feel like everything is just a roof over my head. It’s been a while since I actually thought of you or anyone else for that matter. It’s nothing personal. I was just busy being the woman I had forgotten to be, in a long time. It’s with great strain and defeat that I reach out to you but I need to talk to someone; who has zero rights over how I choose to mend what they broke. I never knew I’d be haunted by my past experiences especially since I haven’t bothered to have any expectations;  since the day I respected myself enough to know I wasn’t appreciated; but here we are.

There’s a time I needed to wake up to you. There’s a day I used to trust you enough to trust my happiness to you. Days I would dream of holding hands with you. Days when your kiss kept me going. Days no one in this world mattered. You were my thrill. Now, I need you to be my ear. I need you to do me a favor. I need you to do this and not expect anything in return. I need you to listen. I need a girlfriend out of you.

Today, I spent time with this tall, dorky and weird boy that made my heart smile, for a moment. He had amazing yellowish teeth, most beautiful freckles and he is among the 2% of the people in the world that have the most beautiful green eyes I’ve ever seen. We almost kissed, something I’ve been thinking about lately. I almost drowned in his beautiful lips. I almost made a happy woman out of myself. I almost got laid.

This amazing dorky man has been friends with me for years now. He’s the good man I am always looking for, but he is at that infamous friendzone. He knew me through us, after us and was there the whole time when I cried through the sheets and hated my very existence. He kept reminding me how I was not only a beautiful woman but a great woman full of potential. He was there when I gave up. He is my anchor. He was the guy that stood up for me, when I couldn’t. I just never saw it. I just never appreciated it.

You must be wondering; why am I writing this letter to you, today? After all, I swore to you that you were dead to me. Well, this amazing man looked me into the eyes and bluntly asked me to get over you and stop wasting good men’s time. He asked me to call him when am ready to commit to a good man. He said all these and smiled. That contagious and sexy smile. Truth be told; I could see the pain in his soul through his eyes as he told me that. He smiled with a smile that seemed to burden his heart and I could tell that he was in grave pain. To be honest, I wanted to open my mouth and tell him that he was WRONG but I didn’t. I wanted to embrace him and ask me to take me to bed, for better for worse. I needed to call out his beautiful unisex name. I needed to tell him the truth.

Truth is, I am over you. I am just not over the fact that I cannot trust anyone so far. Not him, not you, not me. I wanted to tell him that I want to come home to him everyday but I couldn’t trust the very words I genuinely want to utter. I wanted him to hold me, right there and promise me he will never leave. I wanted him to look me in the eye and vow to make me smile. I needed him to assure him that the only mistake we will ever make is spend time apart. I wanted him to assure me that he would be my home. I needed him to love me, right there. I needed a world. I needed him. I needed to trust myself again but I froze.

I wasn’t willing to go through the whole process where the only mistake I make is love someone. I wasn’t ready to risk giving and never being given. I wasn’t willing to be selfless to a selfish man. I wasn’t sure I’d risk my family over pain that isn’t worth it. I was burning inside as I looked at me. Just like that; I was told to learn commitment by a man I wanted to give my all to. I wasn’t ready to apologize for a mistake I.hadn’t committed and was simply a victim. I wasn’t willing to ask a man to forgive me for hurting me. I wasn’t ready to be alone. I wanted a man that will desire me purely; there he was but I was a coward.

I let him go because being broken isn’t about being hurt. It’s being unable to do the same thing twice. It’s not taking a chance. It’s giving the leap of faith the middle finger. It’s me, watching this amazing man walk out on me not because am still in love with another man but simply because I am not in love with myself.

So, does my letter make sense now? Are you feeling like you can come up with a solution for me? Because I need you to give me half the guts you have, half the man you are entitled to, to make me a woman and not a who. I need a listening ear, before I go crazy.

The woman in the hat.

Lifestyle blogger and relationship writer at nerdyclues.com. Feminist, believes in empowerment and gender equity. Sociologist. Kenyan.

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