It’s These Thoughts That Stop Nice Guys From Having Sex

kevin alexander - its these thoughts that stop nice guys from having sex - only dates

“My situation is pretty pathetic… I’m about as far down the nice guy rabbit hole as a guy could be. I’m 28, a virgin, and I’ve never been on a single date. I’ve always ended up as the friend because I have great difficulty expressing myself sexually.” – Warren, 28

When Warren came to me he was at his wits end.

He didn’t want to be a virgin at the age of 28 anymore, and he certainly wanted to go out on a romantic date with a girl, rather than just as friends.

As a nice guy who feels like he’s finishing last, you probably share the same thoughts in your head about yourself, about the world, and about how you interact with the world as does Warren right now.

The shocking and surprising truth about what is holding you back from being a nice guy who finishes first comes from these very thoughts about feeling inadequate, or that you don’t deserve what you want.

It’s These Thoughts That Stop Nice Guys From Having Sex

When it comes to working with you as a new client, one of the first steps is to determine where you are mentally when it comes to both women and the world.

Two things tend to happen when we’re being raised that makes us a nice guy who finishes last. The first is a Nice Guy Filtre is installed by our parents (or whomever has parental-like control), while the second is developing a set of Taboo Topics that we stop ourselves from discussing with people.

I’d like to start with Taboo Topics, as those are generally easier to start discussing, while removing the Nice Guy Filtre is possible, it takes some time.

Taboo Topics

With Warren, his Taboo Topics include a short, yet powerful list of items that make him feel uncomfortable to talk about with other people:

1. Being a virgin
2. Talking to a dating coach
3. His uncomfortable past

Each of these topics is a centrepiece in his life, and is a part of who he is as a person.

If he continues to hide from these Taboo Topics, then he will continue to be seen as creepy or weird. Whereas, if he starts to embrace these Taboo Topics, he’ll become more real, more confident, and more interesting.

I know that if you’re anything like Warren, then one of the biggest questions you have is how to be interesting to women.

I’ll tell you exactly what I told Warren, and that is to openly own and discuss your Taboo Topics with people when they come up naturally, and to get really good at telling your story.

Nice Guy Filtre

“I’ve got this girl who has me in her Friend Zone, can you help me with that? I’m hanging out with her at K-Days to see a band this weekend.” – Warren, 28

I tapped my hand on the marker board in my apartment we were using to make notes, and to present my findings to him in real time.

The place that I tapped my hand at was where I gave him his homework:

1. Talk about Taboo Topics
2. Drop the Nice Guy Filtre

I’m going to warn you, once the Nice Guy Filtre has been uninstalled from your subconscious, you will cease to be nice.

The people who installed it are going to try to re-install the device in you, because that’s not how they want you to be.

I remember when I first uninstalled my Nice Guy Filtre, my parents and other family members started accusing me of “not being very nice.”

Good. I didn’t want their device in my head, anymore.

With Warren’s date this weekend with his female friend, I told him to drop the Nice Guy Filtre. If he wants to touch her arm, say she looks great, or wisp her hair back behind her ear, he’d better do it.

Girls can be scared away just as much by the guy doing nothing to show interest. Don’t be that guy, homeslice.

Let me know in the comments below how working on your Taboo Topics and your Nice Guy Filtre is going.

Kevin Alexander helps shy, introverted nice guys finish first with women via the Nice Guy Dating Daily Podcast and blog at niceguydating.ca. His brash, brutally honest yet approachable and comedic style keeps you entertained and informed about how to handle everything from dating to charm to fashion to exercise, making sure you finish first with women. When not on his podcast, you can find him guest blogging on sites such as Digital Romance Inc, SWExperts, and TSB Magazine.

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