So it’s happened again, huh? You matched with a woman on Tinder who you thought was pretty cool, only to have her stop responding to your texts after a short while. Now, there is the possibility that she got into a serious accident that has left her in the hospital and unable to respond to you… but let’s face it, she probably ghosted you. In other words, she just stopped talking to you out of the blue… with no warning or explanation.
“What the hell happened?” you must be wondering. Well – though you probably don’t want to admit it – you may have made some of these mistakes:
1. Your introduction was boring and stilted.
Ever hear that statistic that says that people form their first impression of you within 7 seconds? Well, guess what? On Tinder or other dating sites, it’s not much different. Generally, a guy has about 3 text exchanges to make a first impression on a woman before she subconsciously places him in one of two categories: worth-talking- to, or not- worth-my- time. So, use those first few messages wisely.
Writing something generic, like “hey what’s up,” is okay when introducing yourself in person, but boring and unoriginal when making an online introduction. Put in some effort! Think outside the box a little. Ask her a question, or make a joke based on something she wrote in her bio. This way, you can just jump right into a conversation while skipping the initial awkwardness. And, trust me, she’ll remember you for it, and you will win some cool points with her.
2. You’re a poor conversationalist.
You are one of those guys that type one-word responses, or responses that just don’t help further the conversation along. I get that it can be hard to carry a stimulating conversation with someone you have never even met, especially since you aren’t face-to- face and can’t fall back on some variation of “I like your hair,” to break the ice. Or, maybe it could be that your nerves are causing your mind to go blank. It happens. If you need to, go to the Notes app in your phone and make a list of topics that you could bring up. (Food is a great one. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t like to talk about food.)
But, please no lackluster responses – that will kill any interest she has in you. Think of it this way – it’s the online equivalent of awkward silence. And, in her mind, if it feels this awkward to communicate with you, even online, then meeting you face-to- face will probably be unbearable.
Plus, you run the risk of coming off rude, disinterested, or like you are playing hard to get and making her do all of the legwork. Very unattractive!
3. You take too long to reply to her messages.
Keep in mind that she doesn’t know you. You guys don't have any shared memories, and she doesn’t have an opinion about who you are yet. She’s forming her first impression of you based on how you’re interacting with her via the messages. So, when you reply hours – or even days (bold, I know, but it happens) – late, she’ll think you aren’t that interested… or even forget about the conversation altogether. Either way, she probably won’t take you seriously from that point on, which will mean you missed the chance to get to know an awesome woman. If you want to keep your Tinder match, then you have to keep the momentum going.
4. You ask personal questions way too early.
Yes, you guys both swiped right. And yes, I know that means you guys have both expressed interest in each other. But – listen carefully – that does not mean that you are entitled to know all of the details about her life right away. You guys may find each other attractive, but you don’t know each other yet. So, you can’t be asking her questions like, “Where exactly do you live?”, or “Do you still live with your parents?” (yes, I’ve actually had a guy ask me that) within the first five messages.
Trust and believe that you will learn all of the answers to your burning questions as you guys spend more time talking to each other. But, know that jumping the gun and rushing into the personal stuff comes off creepy and intrusive, and will instantly put her on guard. Here’s a rule of thumb: if you would feel awkward saying it if you were meeting her on the street, don’t say it on Tinder.
5. You make the conversation feel more like a questionnaire.
“Hey. Where do you live? Where do you work? Do you go out a lot? What are your hobbies? Do you smoke?” If your messaging habits look somewhat like this, where you’re asking multiple questions in a row, STOP IT. Yes, you want to find out about them and ask them questions to be polite. But, lead into that naturally. Right now, your goal should just be to have a good conversation, and see if you guys mesh well. When you bombard her with a bunch of survey-style questions, it comes off like you’re ticking off boxes on your list of dating criteria, rather than actually trying to get to know her. Not to mention, it makes for very dry, stiff conversation, and that definitely won’t leave her wanting to talk to you more.
6. You hog the conversation and only want to talk about yourself.
Assuming that you aren’t some narcissistic egomaniac, I get it – you want to impress her. But, please understand that when you rattle on and on about your accomplishments, and your job, and your friends, and your dog, you’re coming off like … well… a narcissistic egomaniac. Remember all of those lessons you learned about taking turns when you were little? Now is definitely not the time to forget them.
Yes, please tell her about yourself, because she wants to get to know you, too. But, make sure you are also giving her opportunities to talk about herself. Because I can guarantee you that, after a while of you going on and on about yourself, without bothering to find out anything about her, everything you say will start to bore her to tears. And, once she gets to that point, there’s no going back.
7. You’re disrespectful.
Personally, I don’t feel like this one needs that much elaboration. If you’re disrespectful, then you’re definitely not worth anyone’s time. Point blank. Period.