So I am perfectly aware of the fact that relationships might consist of just a little something more than superficial terms. I’m just saying that in a world where the first thing you notice about someone is their appearance and not their title, where you’re probably gonna live together 24/7 in a limited space and not occasionally meet in a large fairytale castle, there are certain things that have me seriously thinking about my priorities when choosing who to date.
That being said, let’s dive right into the judging, shall we?
He’s too tall
We all know the old “he’s shorter than me” sermon, but honestly, doesn’t anyone think about the opposite? Of course it’s great that he’s taller than me. However, I’m a striking 5’2”, so that’s not exactly a rare thing. If somebody extends a certain height, though, I’m afraid it’ll look very stupid, us kissing and such, especially if I have to climb onto something first so he doesn’t develop a back problem. There aren’t as many things to climb onto in this world as you’d think there are.
He chews with his mouth open and acts as if there’s nothing wrong with it
I’d be out the window and running if a guy was chewing in my face, that’s for sure. See, if there’s one thing I dislike without apparent reason, it’s eating with people I find attractive. I just can’t stand it. Don’t get me wrong, I like food, but as soon as I’m around an interesting guy, I become a Southern Belle who has to watch herself while eating or else she won’t ever get married and on top of it all, is gonna faint. The worst thing about that, though, is that I expect cute guys to act the same way. We’ll eat, it’s fine, but for the love of God, pretend we’re not actually doing so. Take small bites. Close your mouth. Chew inaudibly. We’re good.
He doesn’t read
I’m sorry, but I cannot fathom people who do not enjoy absorbing written pages with their eyes. How is this relationship going to work out if he doesn’t understand half of what I’m saying ’cause it’s references to Gone With The Wind? How is he supposed to laugh at my jokes if he doesn’t get my fine sense of irony that was build through years and years of romantic comedies by Meg Cabot? It’s destined to be a failure.
His texts are grammatically wrong
People who don’t take the time to spell-check don’t deserve real conversations. I’d get infuriated every time I’d open one of his messages even before I’d fully grasp the sense of them, so my answer’d be short and cold, and he wouldn’t understand why and call me stuck-up, and if there’s one thing I hate being called it’s stuck-up, and we’d get in a vicious circle of a fight even though all he did was ask me to our first date and forget the second “n” in “dinner”.
He’s wearing stupid shoes
By that I mean these kind of sneakers which are obviously thrice the size of his actual feet. Why would you try to make them look unproportional to your body? And why do you want to wear shoes as white as the ones nurses wear? How is that going to look in combination to some nice clothes? Stupid, that’s what it’s gonna look like, and that’s why I call them this. I could go on about nice clothing forever, however, I feel like the shoes are the most distinctive thing, and if they’re bulgy and white like the Michelin man, they’re way too distinctive.
I mean, if you’re already deeply in love with the guy, I guess you’ll have to live with these things. But if you’re still on the look-out, be alert. Or, you know, if you don’t mind the chewing (bless you) but are totally against diet coke lovers, watch out for that.
To each his own, lovelies!